In the course of business this week, I noticed that certain comments and interactions triggered hurt feelings.
Stress, high expectations, and a narrow focus often result in hurt feelings.
Of course, I understand that a little conflict is normal (or even beneficial). Yet, I guess I'm getting a little softer as I get older.
It doesn't take "intent" to hurt someone's feelings (or to have your feelings hurt). It can happen by a simple disagreement, a stubborn point of view, a dismissive comment, or even a judgmental look.
Sometimes, the catalyst can be part of effective strategies. And normally, people just brush off these smaller-scale disturbances with the excuse with: "I was angry"; or “I’m only human”; or "There is no place for cry-babies in business." Nevertheless, it’s important to remember that we should strive to be better.
To drive the point home further, here is the story of "The Nail in a Fence." While you might have seen it before, it is worth reading again.
Nail In The Fence:
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it; and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
This story is a reminder to be mindful of cause and intent. Hope it helps.
Causing pain to others is one problem. Causing pain to ourselves is another.
Feeling and stoking anger is like taking poison and hoping the other person suffers. It isn't efficient or practical.
So, what about "Forgiving"?
It doesn't have to be forgetting.
Forgiving removes the valence (or charge) from a situation or memory.
It only takes a moment to create an emotional trigger (think about how you felt when you saw a high school bully in the hallway). It is simple, evolution and natural selection favored species that remembered and avoided danger. It is in our DNA. But avoidance isn't always a great strategy ... especially when it is blocking the attainment of something beneficial.
Forgiveness is a way to disable or mute the emotional trigger (this is called "collapsing an anchor" in NLP). It's also a choice to move forward.
Forgiveness is also a release of "claim". When we are wronged, we expect an apology, retribution, restitution, or recognition. And until we get it, we are stuck, waiting for it. In a sense, forgiveness releases the stuck energy and makes it available for something else (hopefully, something better).
Forgiveness changes the route and allows you to move forward.
And I've found that good things happen more often when you are in motion.
Who or what do you need to forgive?
Onwards.
Don't Miss The Forest For The Trees: Change Blindness
There are few certainties in life ... according to Benjamin Franklin:
According to the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus:
He's also quoted as saying "everything changes and nothing stands still."
Maybe he didn't pay his taxes.
Change is a constant, yet, it's often hard to see the forest for the trees.
It seems like just yesterday that my son, Zach, was making sand castles on the beach – or wearing silly t-shirts. Now, he's 26, the soft spot on his head has filled in enough to consider him an adult – and he is generally unrecognizable from that kid on the beach at the Jersey Shore.
On a day-by-day basis, I rarely noticed the change. However, looking at old pictures makes it obvious that there was massive growth and progress.
So, what did I notice? Sometimes it was what a great kid, or how loving, he had been. Other times, it was almost the opposite. Or, perhaps, I noticed that he didn't eat vegetables, or that he drove with a heavy foot. In any case, what I focused on is what my life seemed filled with, to me. And it was mostly about the moment. The bigger picture was lost (or hidden) behind the small things that make up the fabric of our life (or at least our perception of our life).
It is human nature. Survival of the fittest rewarded a focus on avoiding predators or other dangers ... as well as recognizing the opportunity to eat.
Thousands of years later, fear and greed still drive more than we like to admit. It is also a big part of the engine that drives our markets.
It is all about perspective, isn't it?
We are where we are. It doesn't really matter how or why we got there. We are here. And little-by-little we won't be here anymore.
If you are looking at the country or the economy, realize that it took years to get here. Simply changing a regime won't flip a switch. Some changes happen in slow-motion.
Or, perhaps from our perspective, some changes appear to happen in slow-motion ... but what others see as change, you see as symptoms of the root cause.
From different vantage points, the rate of change can seem different.
The same can be said for changes in a person or changes in a business. It's easy to see the gap between where you are and where you'd like to be. Regardless, you will probably get there faster by building momentum and confidence by focusing on the improvements and progress you're making. If you change your perspective - you may realize you've made more progress than you thought.
Tough times are great opportunities to discover character. I'm often amazed at the innovation and insight that occurs at times like these!
Don't pay so much attention to what you think you have to do that you forget the reason you're doing it in the first place.
Posted at 02:04 PM in Business, Current Affairs, Healthy Lifestyle, Ideas, Market Commentary, Personal Development, Trading | Permalink | Comments (0)
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